If you’ve spent any amount of time getting to know your fellow WoW players, I’m sure you have realized that we are a diverse and interesting bunch of people. One of my favorite features over at WoWInsider is their 15 Minutes of Fame series, where they profile WoW players from all walks of life. Recently, I’ve been thinking a lot about what role WoW plays in my own life, and how that might compare to some of my friends and guildmates. So, where to start?
Two years ago, I had just started working as a lawyer for a large, international law firm. I had graduated near the top of my law school class, taken and passed the bar, and was excited to start a face-paced, challenging career. As you may know, lawyers at large firms tend to work long and sometimes unpredictable hours. A 50 hour week is normal, and 70, 80 or 90 hours weeks are not uncommon when things are busy. I was young, healthy, and just starting my career, so I was willing to work long hours for a few years until I could move to a smaller firm or less demanding job. I am also married and we just bought a house, so my free time was limited. Thus, I raided only sporadically in WoW, even though I was a member of a large guild. I mostly limited myself to the occasional weekend run or late night pug. I imagine that’s how a lot of people play: limited free time because of work and family, but with a lot of excitement for the game, trying to cram in as much as they can when they are available.
Well, about a year and a half ago, six months into my new career as a lawyer, I got sick with what I thought was the flu. I stayed home from work for a few days, felt a little better, and went back to work to start catching up. A few days later I got sick again, completely drained of all energy, achy all over, and unable to think clearly or focus on my work. This pattern of illness and then hectic overworking to catch up went on for several weeks. Eventually, I was consistently feeling sick and started to mostly work from home and cut back my hours. Mowing the lawn left me exhausted for two days. Trying to read a legal decision left me feeling foggy and confused, and it was very hard to keep up with my work responsibilities. After about 6 months of struggling to remain working, I had to take a leave of absence from my firm, and I have been unable to work for over a year. (In case you are curious, I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, which is very poorly understood, but for many people is quite debilitating even though we don’t “look sick.”)
There is much more I could say about my battle with a chronic illness, but for now, I want to focus on how WoW has fit into my life. Once I stopped working, I was faced with a large amount of free time, and very little I could do to fill it. Any kind of physical activity was out of the question, as even a short walk around the block or a trip up and down the stairs makes me tired. Reading challenging material left me feeling foggy and confused, although I can still read lighter things. Spending time with other people quickly drains my energy and requires time to rest and recuperate. It was a long process to learn that I needed to limit my activity level to avoid making myself more sick. So, aside from watching television, hanging out with my lovely wife and adorable dog, and occasional visits from friends, I don’t have much else to occupy my time besides WoW.
I’m still not really happy about the situation, and it’s certainly been hard to give up a lot of the things I had in my life. I have always been competitive and motivated to achieve, which is how I ended up as a lawyer at a big law firm in the first place. To limit my “achievements” to points in a virtual world in many ways seems like a real step back, and not the optimal use of my time. I look forward to having my health back and working again. However, I have had to learn over time that because of my illness, I cannot just power through my feelings of exhaustion and illness, because when I do I simply make myself more sick.
So, given my current situation, WoW has been a refuge. It is a virtual world, yes, but it has allowed me to keep my mind active, to experience a sense of accomplishment, to work together with other people to complete difficult tasks, and to relax and take my mind off my symptoms. Although my body is tired and my mind can’t concentrate like it used to, I still need to feel challenged and engaged in something, and WoW provides that. Writing about WoW on this blog has also been a great outlet when I have the focus and energy to complete a post.
Yes, there are times when playing WoW or other games makes me tired. I notice it mostly when I am trying to PvP, where quick decision making is required. My brain just can’t respond like it used to, and after a little while I start to feel more tired and unfocused than when I started. So, I don’t PvP very much. I enjoy playing Starcraft II, but a few competitive ladder matches really drains my energy for the rest of the day, so I only play about once a week. Thankfully, leveling alts and doing achievements is pretty slow-paced, and have been a great way for me to fill my time. Even PvE raiding is not all that challenging once you learn the fights, and I find that it doesn’t take much out of me to raid a couple nights a week.
Since I usually play WoW during the afternoons, when most people are working, I’ve realized that I am not alone in having a lot of free time. I play with people who have been unemployed (or under-employed) for much longer than they would like, and are desperately looking for work. I play with disabled veterans who are now retired. I probably play with other folks who have chronic illnesses, but it’s not something that people generally talk about. And of course, I play with lots of students and working adults who, like I did before my illness, are fitting some WoW time into their otherwise busy and productive lives.
Have any of you also found that WoW can be a refuge during a rough time in your life?
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I could probably fill a few posts (if I haven’t already) with how wonderful a refuge WoW has been and is for me.
It’s also taught me some things that I have yet to really find a way to learn in the real world. For example, I have social anxiety, to the point of being practically agoraphobic if not on meds. I’m still nearly agoraphobic, anyway. The grocery store cashiers still scare me. (And yes, logically, I know I have nothing to be afraid of. Yet….I still am.)
One of the effects is that I have practically no confidence when it comes to leading people, even in subjects I’m strong with. So when I once led an alt raid — yeah, it was alt raid, and it was Naxx when ToC was out — that was just an very moving experience for me. Learning to heal successfully, learning to tank successfully in a pure pug, learning to PvP without wanting to murder people at the end of a match — experiences like these mean enormous amounts to me.
In the real world, I tried out for NHS president in my high school, but the faculty advisor basically said no, I’m not the fit for it. I got stuck as secretary because my handwriting was better than the other guy who was left. My teammates on my academic team would not listen or respect me when I was team captain, even when backed by our teacher. I’ve tried to be stronger and face my fears in the real world, but outside of the counselor’s office and a few very close friends (re: count them on one hand, and you have more fingers leftover than up when you’re done), I can’t seem to make much progress and it’s very, very frustrating.
In WoW, my progress has only been held back by how much I put myself out there.
So yeah, to me, WoW is much more than just another computer game. Much, much more. It’s a refuge when I’m exhausted from real life, but it’s also a place I choose to come to when I’m actively about and not just for the lazy pew pewing I do.
Thanks for the post Wugan. I like reading about how WoW interacts with peoples’ personal lives. I have pretty severe seasonal affective disorder and also a sleep disorder (year round) and while I like the idea of wow as a positive refuge, but sometimes I wonder if I’m not self-medicating with WoW the way some people might self-medicate with alcohol or drugs.
It’s been a really difficult balance for me to strike, to put it mildly.
And I’m a second year law student. *wave* No ambitions to go to a big firm though. Small to midsized firm grunt is my aspiration.
Thanks for the thoughtful comments so far folks. I think it’s great that people can learn and grow while playing a game, especially when learning the same things face to face might have been impossible.
I do agree that with such a large and potentially consuming game as WoW, you need to be asking yourself if you are playing too much. Generally, I feel like if you are blowing off other things or people in your life to play WoW, then you’ve got a problem. But if you are up late at night because you can’t sleep, then I’d say playing WoW beats watching brainless TV any day.
Sorry to hear about your illness. That sounds terrible
Like Rhii, I sometimes wonder if I use WoW as a refuge or to self medicate. I’ve had both MS (with the related fatigue- not as bad as CFS, but there’s a lot I’m not physically capable of, say working full time or working during a school semester or going out late to party on a regular basis) and a social phobia since childhood, which seriously damper my ability to enjoy myself around other people.
WoW is nice to play in the evening, and idling in my guild’s vent channel is a lot of fun to me, unlike going out to parties and stuff, which I consider to be a chore. When I freaked out in class one day, the psychologist at the counseling actually TOLD ME to go home and play WoW until I was able to think clearly.
Like Poneria, I’ve also gained a lot of confidence boosts from the game. I’m not ballzy enough to lead PuGs! But I have led a fair share of 10 mans and while I still get crazy nervous before each one, the feeling of pride I get at the end makes it all worth it. Indirectly related to WoW, blogging has been wonderful for my confidence as well.
But, at the same time, it’s very isolating. I’m not fortunate enough to have a supportive partner. When I’m bedridden, I’m 100% on my own. If I died of hunger, I suspect it would take over a week before anyone even noticed I was missing. When I don’t force myself to be around others I regress a lot socially. Social events are a chore, but they’re a necessary chore. Or I’ll play WoW because I’m too exhausted to do other things, then I won’t be able to go to school the next day because I played WoW instead of sleep when I was tired.
I’ve been working on that balance. I raid fairly late at night, so I can get my school work in before raiding. But unlike most students, I can’t function on 6 hours of sleep. So I cut out all optional raids and I plan my schoolwork in a way that I can take naps on days that I raid. I rarely allow myself to log into the game before 9 pm so that my prime concentration time is dedicated to schoolwork.
I force myself to eat lunch with my classmates at least twice a week and do something
outside the house other than go to class at least once a week (go see a free movie or go shopping, for example). With both extreme shyness and MS I always have to be gently pushing that comfort zone, or else my social skills drop, my muscles get flabby, my immune system stops responding and I get worse. So it’s constantly a balance game, when is WoW giving me a boost and when is WoW keeping me in my comfort zone.
Sorry to hear about your illness but thank you for sharing. One of the hardest things with “invisible” things like CFS is the feeling of isolation you can so easily get, and it’s good to know there are others out there.
WoW has been great to fill in those times when I can’t sleep or am unable to do anything else, but since getting ill myself with CFS I’ve found I’m less able to play WoW and have to more strictly ration what kinds of play I take part in and how often. Ironically in recent months I’ve found PvP one of the least draining and most energising ways to play, but at the moment I’m too tired even for that.
The big thing I have appreciated about WoW is the community of friends and contacts I keep in touch with through the game. As my health got worse and I was able to see RL friends less and just generally get out less and less, it was my in-game relationships which helped me to feel like I was still a person, and the fact that I could keep progression raiding with my guild with almost no noticeable effect helped me to feel a bit less useless. Of course when I’m most tired it’s these exact same relationships which make WoW stressful, because as if having an invisible disease isn’t bad enough, on the Internets all diseases are invisible – and I think it’s sometimes really hard for my guildies to understand why I have to say “no” so much these days.
I actually started blogging and writing my spreadsheet as a way to feel a bit less useless during the darker days when I was too ill to do anything else. Again, it’s ironic that blogging and the spreadsheet have been amongst the first things to suffer when I have a down-patch. I think it’s especially difficult to deal with because I see blogging and WoW as a refuge, and when I’m too ill to engage with them it’s especially galling.
Have you come across spoon theory? I found it a useful way to help some people to understand what it’s like to have CFS.
What is it with really awesome shamans and CFS Charles?
I remember seeing that you had struggled with a chronic illness and wondered at the time if you had CFS as well. I’m sorry to hear that you do, but nice to know that others are going through the same thing. And, the silver lining is that we now have a great elemental shaman blog and DPS spreadsheet, which I know many people appreciate.
When I’m raiding, I definitely notice that I’m worse towards the end of the night, and it’s tough to explain why I can’t just “power through” or “tough it out” like I would have before I got sick. For the most part though, thankfully, I can still raid. I do like to run the occasional BG, and I find that doesn’t take much effort or attention but arena wears me out fast.
I have seen the spoon theory, and that definitely helps some people, although I’m having to continually explain to my friends why I can’t go hiking or to a soccer game, etc.
I really do feel for you. I do not have CFS, but I can only imagine how difficult that may be, especially when you “look” normal to everyone else. I live with severely injured disks in my lower back that my insurance company won’t allow me to repair (different story), but the pain I sleep with, wake up with, and live with daily can be unbearable.
In the middle of all of this was when I found and started playing WoW (two years this December), and it proved to be a haven that I enjoyed. Somehow I still work, or should I say I have a job, because the quality of my work is not even a fraction of what I was capable of when I was healthy, but the job is a place I go to earn money for my family. When I get home I spend time with my kids, talk to my wife, read a book, then play some WoW. It’s been a source of tremendous relaxation and it’s something that I can even do with my kids (as I can’t play soccer or even go on a walk with them anymore).
I know there are a lot of people like you, like me, like the others who’ve commented here, who have some trial in their lives. Wow, though not being the solution to any of our difficulties, has been a useful tool in the arsenal. I can’t raid anymore, sitting in one spot for 3-4 hours can immobilize me for the next two days easily. But I still play, getting up to move and stretch every 20 min or so, taking breaks when I need to an so on.
I think my pain is the reason I blog. People bring amazing personal stories into Azeroth, but the only thing I may see of you is your big sword or shoulder armor, not your illness or the pain of not being able to work. We’re all people bringing in something amazing that we can share with one another, and if it doesn’t happen in the game it happens on blogs just like this one.
I hope that you can find solutions in your RL to help you achieve many goals that don’t reward you with a Proto-drake at the end of the year!
WoW has certainly become a blessing for us. My husband is in the military so we travel and move a great deal. WoW is a very portable hobby thanks to good laptops and it helps us keep in touch. Even when we are separated we can chat in the game or over Vent and if we have nothing to discuss our toons can go run stuff and it feels like we are actually doing something together.
Then there’s the fact that this latest move has been a miserable one for me. We’re a long way from any family in a region I’m not fond of. None of my usual hobbies fit here so if it wasn’t for WoW I would be bored out of my wits and probably depressed as well.
I usually don’t post on blogs (I’ll admit I’m a lurker!), but after reading your post I thought I’d just let ya know that you aren’t alone. I have Fibromyalgia along with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and due to the issues with my illness I have been unable to work for a little over 2 years now. I too was always an overachiever, and this has seemed like a major setback for me. After obtaining my Business degree I thought that I was going to begin climbing the corporate ladder until my illness (which I have had for over 7 years now – I’m now 24), just became too much.
I know what it’s like to not be able to do hardly anything without feeling like you could go sleep for a month, and trust me 20 hour hibernations occur at least once a week in my life! But I too have found WoW to be a refuge. A place where I can try to forget about what is happening in my real life and just enjoy spending time with friends and “overachieving” in my virtual fantasy world. It’s good to hear that you have a good support system of family and friends – it definitely helps – but I’m sure you know that not many truly know what it’s like. Our “invisible” illnesses tend to raise eyebrows for those we interact with, so WoW has provided me with a place where I don’t have to explain why I don’t “look ill.”
For those who have shared their stories and have similar experiences, just know that there are people that understand. WoW has a bit more meaning that just a “hobby” to pass the time. Good luck to you and everyone else who is dealing with these illnesses and hopefully we can all continue making strides both in game and in our real lives .
I find that WoW has been a refuge for me as well. Being a stay-at-home mom over the past 5 years led to an almost isolation, as I’m not comfortable with “girly” type stuff like play groups, meeting up with other random moms and kids in coffee shops and libraries…
With my husband working during the day and more often than not working nights as well playing music, I ended up with nobody but preschoolers to talk to all day long. I truly looked forward to naptimes and nights after the kids’ bedtime where I could relax and just chat with people, hang out with them in this virtual world, just enjoy myself.
The kids always come first, always will, but there is definitely a very important role fulfiled by the people I have met in this game, and I would never willingly give that up!
I too have CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) and it’s had a huge impact on my life. I know how much it sucks to feel drained all the time. I have been I’ll for just over two years now and I started playing wow about 18 months ago, I have found it a great way to feel like I am accomplishing things, making new friends, and developing as a person (by this I mean gearing etc.). I sucks not to be able to explain to people why I can sit and play a game but not attend school often, be overly social and look healthy etc. Unfortunately my mom is rather strict about things like this and gets angry at me playing often while not attending school. This leads to me being constantly alert and unable to relax while playing and if I tried to explain to her she probably tell me to stop bullish*ting. My brother also keeps just suggesting I have WoW addiction and hassles me often about this and blurts out on front of my mom about it, I worry she one day shall just throw my computer in the bin (she won’t be that extreme but yeah…) or something and I shall be left without one of the few things that I enjoy and actually get a lot out of. Anyway I also wonder sometimes if WoW is really helping me or is it hindering me by giving me more comfort (despite the fact that being comfortable or whatever doesn’t make me want to stay at home more and not get out, that’s all I can think about at the moment. The things I’m missing in real life). At the moment though I am hoping to try something called ‘The Lightning Process’ which is supposed to train you to deal with CFS and other illnesses like it. I hope to do this sometime in January 2011, though if I do not recover from my CFS with this I think I will quit WoW to see if it aids my recovery if it does I shall remain not playing it until I am comfortably back in good health, if not I shall just resume playing to as cheesy as this may sound ‘resume my life’ the place where I can be active, achieve, develop, socialise etc. I wish everyone good luck with their illnesses and if you would like to learn more about ‘The Lightning Process’ google it :p make sure you get the right website though as I’ve heard of Lightening Process scams.
If anyone would like to talk to me I’m on The Maelstrom EU and my mains name is Cleymore. I’d love to talk to sone people in similar situations to myself! Good luck all!
[...] it happens, seems to fill a similar sort of role, and this post owes a lot to Wugan’s “WoW as a Refuge” post from September: I’d again like to thank him for what he wrote then. Possibly [...]
[...] it happens, seems to fill a similar sort of role, and this post owes a lot to Wugan’s “WoW as a Refuge” post from September: I’d again like to thank him for what he wrote [...]
[...] are probably 10 other people who are wondering the same thing but not asking. Unfortunately, my energy is pretty limited these days, and writing often takes more out of me than I expect it will. So, I’ll write [...]